I hear this so many times from couples in my office and walking around the battalion. In the top three most common complaints in relationships, communication usually scores either the first or second. How, when communication was key for couples to get together in the first place, did it drift in to the thing couples argue about the most?

Do these statements sound familiar? ‘‘He just doesn’t talk to me any longer,” ‘‘I never know what he is thinking.” ‘‘She just doesn’t seem to understand where I am coming from,” ‘‘I feel like I have to drag it out of him [or her].”

When marriages start to teeter in rough water, the natural tendency is for individuals to assume and speculate on whatever they feel is driving the problem boat. The ‘‘problem” is really the fact that assumptions and speculations take the place of communication.

Ask yourself, ‘‘When was the last time my husband and I sat down and just talked without interruption?”

As a couple you used to spend hours on the phone doing just that when the relationship was young. You learned so much about each other doing that. You know, that is probably a really good thing to get back to doing in order to sail through rough water to more peaceful seas.

So, here is your homework: 1) Plan time to sit down with your husband or wife ... and talk. And when you get it planned, guard it like Fort Knox gold. Put it on the calendar, don’t answer the phone, turn off the TV ... and talk. 2) Ask questions. Answer directly — sterile answers provide a great breeding ground for speculation and assumption.

Plus, when you talk about frustrations, share how the frustrations make you feel (‘‘I feel hurt,” ‘‘I feel upset” or ‘‘I feel dismissed”). Your spouse will be more prone to make corrections when he or she realizes how their actions make you feel.

When you start a conversation with ‘‘You did, ‘‘You always,” and ‘‘You never,” the listener is automatically put on the defensive. When someone feels they have to defend themselves they automatically move in to wanting to win the argument versus reaching a constructive solution for the success of that relationship. 3) Learn each other’s language. Describing what is in your head doesn’t mean your spouse understands it. Learn your spouse’s buzz words and use them when conveying your ideas. You will get more done and understand each other’s world a lot more.

Sometimes couples need a little outside help to get them on the right communication ship with their spouses. May I offer a suggestion? Talk to someone else when you feel stuck. Many times couples will use the only approach they know in trying to discuss issues. When they don’t reach a constructive conclusion with their spouse they often try harder and louder with the same approach. Feeling ‘‘stuck” many times results from this action.

We want to know we can take care of our problems on our own. Sometimes, we are so involved in the issue that it is difficult to see any other solution. Be willing to talk to someone else, a counselor or pastor, to get an objective third set of eyes on an issue. Many times, your solution is something very simple which may be difficult to see because of your involvement. Someone else may be able to direct you to the simple solution when you have trouble finding it yourself.

Our lives revolve around communication. Sporadic communication in your relationships is great at keeping others at arm’s length. With your spouse that is lethal. Take the steps to improve your communication and you’ll find you spend more time enjoying your marriage and less time repairing it.